Something was happening to her. She had forgotten the password which she normally types, umpteen times a day. She was disturbed. But somehow she was hesitant to admit it, even to herself. May be she did not want to accept the reason behind it.
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Ten years back…
She was all new to the place, to the school, to the environment and also new to the ‘new’ herself. Mom told her that she was no more a little girl now. Though she had quite not understood when mom told her that, she still kept pondering. It was a rainy season, and when she arrived at the new place Heavy rain! Rain always is a reason for transition, from one class to another, one school to another, and from one season to another. To her, it was literally a season of transitions. In every way. From the little girl to a woman, being the most prominent one.
The first few days in the new school passed without much hue. She was silent and always kept to herself. She refrained from talking to many people. Her conversation was limited to Mansa, the girl who sat next to her. She had a beautiful handwriting. The first time he spoke to her, was about her handwriting. It was just a line of compliment. She had never fished for compliments, but she was more than happy when he said that. He was her classmate; charming, prankish and social. She was sure that he had a lot of fans in in school. She took pleasure in noticing him, and kept herself unnoticed. During one of those days he started speaking to her, unaware of what was going on in her mind. They talked, not much, but more often. She seemed happier than ever. There was a glow on her face. And the reason himself wasn’t aware that he was making someone happier, day by day. She spoke less, but her silence spoke a lot. They talked, during the tiny breaks after the teacher left and the next one came, on the way back to class from P.T classes, under the eucalyptus tree near the playground. She loved to listen to him. When girls of her class started teasing her with him, she just blushed, happily. Now she began to look at the mirror more often. She realized how she was no more a small girl, she was growing. She looked at herself, and smiled. She realized that she had even started to talk more, when her mom told her. The days passed, seasons changed, and then came the summer holidays. It was time for the long vacations. She was sad, when the rest of the school was celebrating, for the days to come. She wanted to tell him,” I’ll miss you…”. But she just smiled and waved at him. He was too occupied celebrating with his friends. She walked home, alone.
She had to visit her grandparents and other relatives, at her native place every vacation. That was the ritual. She never felt the attachment or closeness to anybody there, she hated to be there. They always cribbed about how ‘smart’ her other cousins were, and how dumb she was. Just because she talked less, they came to a conclusion that she was dumb. But she loved train journeys, especially the window seat. This time she was at the railway station, she looked around to see if he was there, out of pure coincidence at least. She didn’t know why she did that, but she started searching him at every possible crowd she found. She realized that she loved him. Although not expecting him to reciprocate. But yes, she was in love. Days were longer now and nights were spent dreaming about him. She was counting days, for the school re-opening day.
Another monsoon. It turned out to be another transition, though this time not within her. The day long awaited had finally come. But it was not like she expected. He didn’t speak to her, or look at her face. He was too busy with his new set of friends which he had made. She wasn’t aware whether he was ignoring her intentionally, or was it her who perceived the relation in a wrong way, earlier. She didn’t know. And she didn’t want to know either. She detached herself from the world. She became a lot more silent than before. But this time it was a painful silence. She was shattered. Teary eyed, she stood under the canopy of the mango tree, every day, after the school left. She thought she was silly, but her heart felt the contrary.
Years passed, she reached college, but never did she try to contact him or keep in touch with him. From one of the mutual friends, she even got his phone number, but never did she call him. She remembered his every birthday, but never wished him. She adored the distance. With age, she had realized that probably the guy whom she had kept in the sanctum sanctorum of her mind would have never even known that there was a girl who loved him…cried for him. She laughed at herself, for being such a moron. But she smiled when she realized that, she had just stopped remembering him, and not forgotten him.
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It is her birthday today. She was happier than usual when she reached her cubicle. She had just switched on her system, that she got a call from an unknown number.
“Hello…”
“Is that Anupama?” An unfamiliar voice.
“Yeah, may I know who this is?”
“Hey Anupama, this is Rajiv here…remember, your old classmate at school?”
“Yeah…” her voice quivered.
“Happy Birthday!!”
“Thank you…”
She was speechless. Yet somehow she managed to complete the line. All the while she wondered that he remembered her birthday, after so many years. For a moment she felt like she got back something very precious that she had lost, years back. All those thoughts came rushing to her mind.
“You remembered my bday? I am so glad you did”
“Hey I got your number from Mansa…She told me that it is your birthday today”
“Oh, thanks anyway “
“Actually I called you up to invite you for my wedding…”
He told her about the girl, about how he got his parents convinced to marry the girl he loved. He still speaks a lot. And as she always did, she listened. For some time, she felt nothing has changed. Even today, he spoke and she just listened. Some things never change, she thought. A drop of tear rolled off her face.
She thought ‘You are like a blue rose, beautiful, yet so untrue and unattainable’!
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